Lost Girls

I'd like to thank the wonderful Lost Girls for posting my article on traveling alone on their blog! You can check it out here and read about other great traveling adventures from women around the world.

I'll be posting some updates on my travel blog so if you're still interested in following, check back soon! I know some of you have been emailing me and I haven't done a good job of replying -- been swamped lately! I promise to get back to all of you soon.

Cheers!

I won't remove my last post.

You can only run headfirst into a wall and bleed all over the damned floor so many times before you figure out that you've got to find a way around it.

I can't figure out any longer what I'm doing in a relationship that is a train wreck but I feel so numb inside that it doesn't seem to matter very much either way. I find that profoundly sad. I used to have a lot of hope for relationships in general, and was a firm believer in the concept that love must be insane, passionate, riveting, interesting, alive. I couldn't go through another boring relationship, playing the domesticated housewife to a guy that hardly even noticed my presence.

So I decided that I would take that giant leap of faith, and do something completely irrational, like relocate to another country for someone and something that I didn't even believe in just because I thought that maybe, by some sliver of a miracle, there would be magic in the air.

And I get here, and get stomped on again. Hard. Through no fault but my own.

He has taught me to expect only the worst; to expect a slap at every turn, and to steel myself for more pain. That's my reward for my foolishness and naivety.

So here's my ticket out of this childish game, I give what I can when I feel like it, and I take what I can when I feel like it. I will have no lavish expectations or hyperbolic dreams, and when something else catches my fancy, I will simply take flight. Life is a slippery little bugger -- the harder you squeeze it the more it tries to leap out of your hand but the second you relax your grip, it settles in.... so that is precisely what I'll do.

Bouncing Back!

I met Chris last night and it was an absolute, fucking, nightmare. I wanted to get my phone back (crappy old iPhone that he's using but I want for sentimental reasons) and I had to return this key-thing of his. What should have been a very simple exchange turned into a wretched hour-long sit at a bar and then a fucking horrible dinner experience at an otherwise-great tapas restaurant.

Basically, I don't think I am capable of being civilized to him anymore. He went from being 'grovelly' to annoyingly sarcastic to pissed off at me! What the flying fuck did I do wrong that gives him any right to angry? Ridiculous.

After these two horrendous hours, I finally just told him that all I wanted to hear was a damn good explanation for his cheating and lying on me again, and that he might as well come up with a good lie and make it worth my while because regardless of what he says, I would never want to see him again. His answer?

"Well, whatever, I'm just a dumb fuck to you...."

And that is when I collected my shit and left because I realized that it would be pointless trying to extract a 'reason' for a guy like that. There are no reasons -- what could there possibly be? A cheater is just a cheater, full stop. It's practically in his blood to cheat, lie, and get away with it. He cannot fathom that his behavior is wrong, hurtful, despicable and immoral. Because the bottom line is that he's just out for as much good times as possible.

Let me digress for a second: I don't care and I wouldn't care if I knew that him and I were in a casual relationship where we could see other people. But he acts as though he has to own me, and is blindly jealous of every single male friend I have, and gets upset whenever I was with 'other guys'. He, on the other hand, was absolutely free to do whatever he wanted, and didn't seem to get it when I get pissed off -- how the hell is that fair?

At the end of the day, I don't think he's a very smart person...!

Unfortunately, even after all that lameness, we didn't manage to do that damned exchange!! I am so tempted to just tell him to forget about it altogether but...fuck!

Anyway, I ended up meeting some friends of Giovanni's; all these cool Italian guys who were out for a drink at Oxford St in Paddington [read about that here!] One of them proved to be particularly interesting -- the fact that he's attractive obviously had nothing to do with it at all. ;)

And by the end of the night (or morning I suppose), I finally realized that being single in Australia is definitely the right way to be. Because wasting my time on a sad sack like Chris is only causing me to miss out on fun people, fun times, and doing what I truly want without having to answer to a psycho, possessive bastard!

Hopefully tonight will turn out to be just as interesting as last night -- check back in tomorrow. Cheers :)

Single again

The bottom line is that people want to feel that someone else wants them; they want to feel that someone else's life is less meaningful without their presence.

But not everyone can give that, and not everyone gets the chance to have that. Talking about things doesn't necessarily change anything. You can't force someone to want you, or to fall in love with you.

Or change for you.

Or do anything, really.

Realizing that hurts, but I think most of all it hurts your pride and makes you think that you are somehow a person who doesn't deserve genuine love, care or concern. I refuse to believe or tolerate that -- I know I deserve better than the treatment I've been receiving.

The first time I discovered his indiscretion, I took an abnormal amount of sleeping pills to try and fall asleep. I was drunk virtually every night and didn't eat for a week.

Today, I cried to my closest friends; people who know me inside out and love me in a way that he never could. They made me smile and laugh ten minutes after I was sobbing in my closet. I will now attempt to pull myself together, salvage whatever is left of my pride and self-esteem and face tomorrow when it comes.

"Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours." Karma may have bitten me hard in the ass, but I'm going to put an end to it. True, I haven't been the best girl, but any number of people will attest to the fact that I am an amazingly dedicated girlfriend -- but for the right guy. And he is definitely not it. I have been lying to myself for the last few months but I can't go down this road any longer.

You'll be my witness; this is the last time I deal with Chris. It is time to live a life that is fully my own, in a completely foreign city. Wish me luck. I think I'll need it.